Today is the day after Mother’s Day and I feel so far from being one that I don’t know how I feel at this moment. I guess its Non-Mother’s Day for the women like me. You see I am 33 and will be 34 in six months. I have a stable professional career, a deluxe apartment in the sky, no children except a puppy named Milo, a luxury car, a few dollars to spend as I choose and I live about 2 minutes outside of our nation’s capital. Where you can see a sea of black faces, dreads, Hispanics, a huge Ethiopian community, prestigious colleges and its students, HBCU fist in the air; ready to take on the entire world students, fellow young black professionals, NBA players, government transplants to the area workers, military and a the D.C. natives that favor and sound like Wale (dreads and a different swag, vernacular and style) and myself. A 33-year-old 11 year Air Force veteran from a small town in Ohio. I guess you can say I’m here to chase the American dream whatever that is. To literally pull myself up from nothing a single parent household and create a life for myself far far away from home. Without any disrespect I lovingly refer to it as “Mayberry” yes the “Mayberry” you may remember from the Andy Griffith show. But I can say today there are less Opie’s and Aunt B’s and more kids addicted to meth and factory workers.
Now that you know a little about me this post is about the women that aren’t mothers. That do not know or understand what it’s like to be pregnant or carry and birth a child. I’d say 33 isn’t old however when I look at social media I see friends with children that are going to prom. Let that sink in. I have all of the tools and all of the stability yet cannot seem to find a decent (not even perfect) just decent available (emotionally, technically, legally) man. I have been to mixers, happy hour, church, sporting events, the gym, and target hell you NAAAME IT! And I am NO closer to a man with the basic credentials. Single, available, love black women, trade/occupation/career, no more than 2 children, more than high school education, purpose and treats me right which includes, honesty, loving, faithfulness and a sense of humor. You’d think in the DMV metro area (D.C., Maryland, Virginia) that I read had 6.1 million people area that this would be easy with all of the young professionals, old professionals, students etc. Nope and its far from it to be honest. To think that I’m only asking for what I have to offer and not be able to get that out of 6.1 million people is amazing like this can’t be true.
The stigma of being over 30 and single… WTF. This is an actual thing. Now I don’t mean NO harm if this offends you but here is the true tea, I am over 30, I have not been pregnant ever, I have an education (I’m not a dentist or nothing but I have a lil something), I am not crazy, nor am I unattractive or too much overweight I mean hell I’m a BBW now whatever that means but the bottom line is I’m fine hell, I’ve traveled the world literally, got a lil change and I am VERY single. Hell, I’m UBER single. LOL! I’m beyond single, you get the point. Yet there is something wrong with me? Oh ok. Gotta love that stigma. To think that you are somehow damaged because of your CHOICE to take birth control or wait until a relationship is right or your finances were “right” before having children. Doing things what you were told was the “right” way your entire life just to be labeled as damaged. That alone is damaging and crazy. Let alone men will ask you “what is wrong with you?” because you do not have an ex-husband or child.
Story time, yesterday my mother who is here to visit texted me “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!” and a bouquet of flowers. I instantly got mad and felt a lump in my chest. I said “thanks ma, but I’m not a mother I have a dog, please don’t text that to me.” I know that she didn’t mean any harm but I was annoyed and shut my bedroom door. It brought back a lot of emotions that I don’t want to address, emotions of where you thought you’d be at a certain point in life or feelings of wanting something so bad that seems so far away. Man, I wanted to feel sorry for myself like why LAWD why haven’t I met a man and had a child? Why couldn’t my child be bringing me burnt ass eggs and bacon or a macaroni necklace? With my husband making reservations at some restaurant where I’d get wasted at from drinking too much wine too fast and pinch his butt in the elevator? Why hadn’t the heavens opened up and gave me what I’ve prayed and waited for? In my dreams and in my mind he wasn’t Idris Elba fine but he was fine for me and that would be my life. Instead, I ate a handful of frootie tootsie rolls in my bed and washed it down with a warm ass bottle of water I had near my bed. This was my non-mother’s day. My puppy clawed at my door to get into my room and probably hump his bear that is under my bed, I’d take my mom into the city for a boat ride that she’d enjoy, smile at all of the moms we’d pass and comment to my dear friends that are almost all mothers and wives, while suppressing the longing and jealousy that I’d tried to keep deep down and that would be my day. It would be over and I could avoid social media until the weekend and suppress the feelings that I have again until next year. Which had become a ritual, I’d remind myself of all of my accomplishments and the joy it gave me until this day.
I cannot explain the feeling I have when I think of my niece and nephews. They are truly a gift that I am thankful to have been a part of their lives and growing up. I wonder when I would get to experience that joy, that headache that worry, that happiness? One of the worst things I’ve heard was from friends or strangers. “You know time is ticking…” No sh*t bitch! What do you think I’m waiting on? I’m not Janet I don’t plan on having a baby at 50 hell I didn’t want to past 35! Pure anger and rage from the insensitive judgment that I’d choose being alone eating ramen vs joining the married with children club. Or this one, just find someone and have a baby… Now hold on now. I’m not that desperate. LOL! Black children have enough stuff going on they don’t need me adding another statistic to them so I’m trying to make the best decision I can. I could be selfish but I don’t want that for my child. I could have BEEN had a baby, but that’s not what I want, I want a family. I don’t believe it’s easy and all fun and butterflies so maybe just maybe when giving unsolicited advice to your single childless friends think before you speak. Society, family, social media truly conditions us that if we (women) don’t have this or that by a certain time that we have failed, however, it’s not the same for a man.
This has gotten a bit longer from what I was going to say initially but you get the point. You have no clue to why someone hasn’t had a child or what health reasons etc might have kept them from it. But I can say I understand that feeling of wanting one. Happy Non-Mother’s Day to me. Maybe I can go to Wal-Mart and get some low-priced chocolate.